Mama Confessions #5

If the boy is taking a particularly long nap, I sometimes panic. I hold my breath and tiptoe into his room and try to push out of my mind all the possible ways he could be maimed or harmed that happened while I was doing other things. I arrive at the side of his crib and lay one hand on his back to check his breathing, then finally start breathing again myself.
I know I am completely neurotic, but I refuse to believe I am the only mother who does this.
Often my prayer is, Dear Lord, please don't let fear and doubt keep me from being the mother Sam needs me to be.
Then I remind myself of 2 Timothy 1:7, and I try to live my life there.

Just the Before

WARNING: This post contains graphic images of a bare, flabby, post-baby midriff. Proceed with caution.

I only do this because it's horrifying.
I am hoping to horrify myself into action. It's time.
Remember when I told you about my goal? Well today was the first run of a 12 week training program getting to the KC half on Oct. 20th. My run today wasn't bad (it was a easy run day! Thanks for the positive start, training program!), And when I got home I was feeling pretty good about myself, until I took my shirt off, and then I was like... ew.

This has got to stop.

I have always struggled with self-image. I've never been heavy, but grew up in a family that dieted constantly, which I think fueled my dissatisfaction with my body. In high school and college I struggled with anorexia, and just liking myself in general. And while i have come to a much healthier place with eating and loving myself-- those demons are something that are always with you.
Remember how I had a kid 7 months ago? Remember how I was particularly extra huge and delivered a 9 lbs kid? My body has never recovered. I mean, I gained 40 lbs in 9 months, and lost 38 in the 9 weeks following birth... But everything is... different now. And I am trying to be okay with that. I understand my body is different now, and it should be after having a baby.

My body is different now.
My body is different now, and that means I can't do the same things I used to and expect to still look fabulous in a teeny bikini. I need to eat different and exercise different. I mean, really, I need to exercise period. Something I have never consistently done before.
So it's time to make that happen. Hence my goal. And... the purpose for this post. It's not just to tell you the sad story of the demise of my once smooth flat belly... but to share with you where I'm starting. Sooo... this is the first day of training... and this is my before, brace yourselves:

See all that doughy squishy-ness? I am ready for it to be gone. To make it happen, along with my half-marathon training (cardio), I will be doing some strength training, and trying to make consistent, better choices in the food world. Nothing extreme, no diets or INSANITY workouts... just 12 weeks of doing better. And hopefully... results. (and maybe I should get a tan.)
So this is just the before. I hope I have something better to show you in twelve weeks. Cheer me on?

Full Disclosure: This is the most terrifying thing I have ever posted on my blog. I cringe a little doing it. I mean, who wants to post unflattering pictures of their weakest parts in a public space? But I feel like it's really important to be vulnerable and honest here, to force myself into some action. Please be kind.

I lied.

Remember when I told you this was the best sound in the whole world?

Well, I lied.
Because, actually, this one is the best sound in the whole world:

You may notice after my little boy looks right into my eyes and says so sweetly 'Mama!' my voice is noticeably absent from the celebration. I was excited, yes! But also stunned, and giddy, and overwhelmed. There is nothing like hearing Mama for the first time from the lips of your baby.
There is just nothing like it.

Mama Confessions #4

My son has been sporting a faux-hawk all week. I think it's hilarious and adorable.

Full disclosure: I may have trimmed his hair to make the style work.

Also, Cetaphil makes an excellent infant styling wax. 

Now you know.

Mama Confessions #3

Source: younghouselove.com via Alyse on Pinterest

I don't keep a baby book for my son. You know those cute little thingies where you write down all those milestones for posterity sake.
So someday you child can shame their children by saying-- I took my first steps at 11 months, so it looks like I was a lot more advanced than you are.
My child will not be able to do that. And that might be a little bit sad for him-- but who the heck has time to write stuff down in a frilly little book?
Sorry buddy.
I can assure you, however. That you are developmentally on-track, and healthy and happy as can be. And you are 7.5 ish months old right now. How's that for a baby book entry?

Mama Confessions #2

You don't get 'sick days' from being a mom, and that sucks.
It's hard to focus on being there for someone else when you can barely drag yourself out of bed to make a run for the toilet bowl-- for the 16th time today. And just add the guilt of not giving your family your best to the rest of those nasty feelings you have when you are sick... and being sick sucks even more.
Last time I was sick I made my husband get up with Sam in the morning because I told him 'I don't have the energy to be mom today'. My husband told me that was a horrible thing to say. It might be, but it's also honest. Some days it's just hard to make it all happen.
I don't think that makes me a horrible person, though.
I think it just makes me a person.

Mama Confessions #1

The other day I was shopping with a friend (and Sam) when the little man who had been sleeping so contentedly suddenly awoke and was hungry. I dug around in my bag to discover I had no bottle in his diaper bag. We were nearing the end of our shopping so I tried to keep him happy with little swigs from my water bottle, because he finds that fascinating. But that was a short lived distraction. We got up to the counter to pay and my son was wailing uncontrollably. I dug through my bag and had not even a toy to distract him with. I was defeated, and felt like a horrible mom as people judged me waiting in line to purchase some jeans while my infant screamed and I did nothing to feed or appease him. SIGH.
I had purchased a simple pair of foam flip flops at the store and this finally occurred to me on my way out, so I grabbed one (A brand new, never been worn, clean, foam flip flop) and handed it to my son. I am sure you know, it went directly to his mouth.
We had one more stop to make, just to grab dinner before heading home... but here I am walking into Panera with an infant chewing happily on a flip flop and everyone looking going, is that child eating a flip flop?
IT'S CLEAN! IT HAS NEVER BEEN WORN! SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO! I wanted to yell at the store. But I didn't. Because the flip flop was quickly losing it's magic and he was crying again, and we purchased our food and bolted outta there before someone could call child protective services.
That day, I was mortified and felt like a terrible parent. Every day since then, when thinking about it I have giggled... and I only wish I had taken a picture of my son chewing on that flip flop because it was just such a strange and unexpected toy for an infant. Ever since then I have done a much better job keeping my bag (and also my car, you know, just in case) stocked with a clean bottle and toy.
But just add that to the list of reasons I am not winning mother of the year award.

Dedication

This is a few months old, but I finally got it edited and uploaded. This is Samuel's Dedication on Mother's day.
It's a two part video, (and sorta long-ish) the first is his dedication at church, the second is the family blessings. I don't know if this video is significant to anyone else, but it's very special to me.
The second part makes me laugh because it's so... us. Donnie cracking jokes about husbands, dogs running in and out, teary grandmas, the oven beeping incessantly in the background, and Sam sleeping through the whole thing. And through all this chaos that is our quirky family, we were trying to create a special moment...
Watching it all again, I think it's all the chaos and the quirks that made it special... it was us unedited, I love that.

RUUUUUUUUN!

My troubles started when I married a runner.
This was troubleome becuase I am not a runner.
My husband is naturally athletic and motivated.
I am none of these things.
But I am a great follower. And if the majority tells me running is cool, then I am bound to try it.
Okay, maybe it was not quite that simple to sway me... but with some encouragement from My husband, my Dad (who has recently really gotten into road races) and some great running friends...
I got myself a pair of shoes, a jogging stroller, and a goal.
Making myself do this has been a difficult journey. I am not the kind of person who naturally enjoys activity. I am much more comfortable in my kitchen, or sitting at my sewing table than I am at a sporting event or running around the track... But I've been doing the bare minimums to maintain weight and health for long enough, and the bare minimums aren't cutting it anymore.
So... I'm running.
I'm running, and no one is chasing me.
And that's likely a good thing because I run quite slowly.
But I'm running and thats a start.
I hesitate to put this out there... because I have a goal that I hope to accomplish that I might not accomplish. And making your goals public makes them all official and whatnot. I said to Z last night-- what if I can't do it? What if I get halfway through my training plan and find out I am not a long distance runner? That I don't have the body, the determination, the self-dicipline to continue?
He said, Then you made it that far, and it's farther than you are now, and farther than all the people sitting on the couch.
Yes, but won't you be disappointed in me?
Nope, I'll be happy that you gave it a try.
Really? You won't judge me for being a quitter?
Nope, I know you'll do your best.
Dang it. The "I know you'll do your best" speech means I can't really quit, huh? Because quitting isn't my best, and he knows that and I know that. Sigh.
So I'm running. And I'm TRAINING. Doesn't that make me sound official? And I have a goal.
I am training to run a Half Marathon with a 2:35 pace group on October 20, 2012.
So there it is.
Now I've gone public, and you know, and I know and we can all judge me if I don't make it.
Or we can all be kind like my husband and believe I will do my best and not be disappointed if my best is not the same as my goal and that's okay, right?
Lets go for option 2.
Soooo... if you need me, you are likely to find Sam and I running in circles around the park because we *want* to. Go team.