Monday, November 28, 2011

It's official

In my current with-child state... I-- I mean, WE-- outweigh my husband. Sigh.
I am probably going to need another pint of Ben and Jerry's to cry this one out.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Need a little Christmas?

Surely you've heard the Chirstmas song "We need a little Christmas". You may not know all the words, but you could probably hum a few bars, right?

(I'm not a huge Glee fan, but this song from MAME the 1970-something movie involved Lucille Ball singing and a scary as crap santa mask that I won't subject you to. You're welcome.)
The song is actually from the musical Mame, and in the context of the story takes place one week before Thanksgiving when everyone is broke and downtrodden and in need of some distraction and celebration in the midst of their anxiety and hard times.  So they counter that by decorating their home and giving everyone's Christmas gifts early!
My husband is a strict "NO CHRISTMAS UNTIL DECEMBER" type scrooge. He last night was preaching some blah-blah about how decorating and celebrating before thanksgiving waters down the holiday, makes things less meaningful, and doesn't give Thanksgiving a fair chance... I don't know when he became the "Spirit of Thanksgiving" Police... but as far as I can tell his previous thoughts on the subject have been as follows: Thanksgiving, I get to sleep in and get a day off work before peak season begins. Yay. Oh, and also I have to eat stuff my wife makes. Meh.
Spirit of Thanksgiving. I can see why he might be concerned about that being brushed over and watered down. (rolls eyes)
Look, I am generally on board with the wait 'til after thanksgiving to put up your Christmas decor crowd. Really, I am. Thats how my family always did it, I'm at peace with it normally. But this year is not normal.
This year I am 9 months pregnant.
I have more or less completed the nursery. I am anxious and uncomfortable and in need of distraction... but mostly in need of something to DO so I don't sit at home and obsess over every tiny hiccup coming from my overly large belly. I want to decorate and prepare for Christmas NOW.
I have wanted to for several weeks, and Mr. Spirit of Thanksgiving is all no, no, NO.
But I NEED this. I need something to do and something to distract and something to make me feel warm and fuzzy and celebratory... so it can choke out the feelings of panic and anxiety and impatience. I need a little Christmas now!
Last weekend while Z was blissfully sleeping in, the peanut in my belly woke me up at 7:00 and I couldn't go back to sleep... so I went downstairs, moved some boxes around, and hauled out the Christmas tree. I told Z what I had done after he woke up and he didn't believe me until he went downstairs... NO. He said. No tree until after thanksgiving! But it's already out and ready to go, and it makes no sense to just leave it in a box. I want it out and sparkling in my living room! And since the tree, garlands, and wreaths are all in the same box, it only makes sense to get those out as well, before putting the box away. He said to me the other day, Why do I get the feeling I am going to come home to a decorated house some day this week?
I don't know, Z? Maybe because this is what your wife NEEEEEEEEDS right now.
I need a little Christmas.
Just a little bit.
So I am taking a cue from Mame. We may be rushing things but... deck the halls again now!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

"For unto us a child is born!"

We took an 8 hr marathon childbirth class yesterday. We couldn't sign up for the class series because Z works evenings, so our only option was an all day Saturday class. Overall, it wasn't terrible. The instructor kept things fast paced and we got frequent breaks so it didn't feel overwhelming. The worst part was the videos (saw way more vag yesterday than I ever thought I would in my lifetime) but that was to be expected I guess.
In the end I came away more informed and a little more comfortable with how the whole process is going to go. So I think it was worth the $70 and giving up a full Saturday (despite the scary vag videos).
Z learned something too.
As we were leaving i asked him what he thought was the most valuable thing he learned from the class. He said: "If you go into labor at night, you can't wake me up"
Which is... true. I mean the instructor DID say if you are in early stages of labor in the middle of the night, try to rest and let your birth partner rest for as long as possible. I do find it interesting that he singled this comment out as the most important thing from the whole class. Hmmm... priorities, Z.

Last night when we were sitting around watching TV after the class Z asked me what music I would put on a play list to take to the hospital with me. After considering briefly I said-- OOH! Christmas music!
And Z gave me an irritated look. "Not ALL Christmas music... lets make a long play list and you can mix it in here and there" he said.
"Okay, but mostly Christmas..." I said.
And Z groaned.
Because he knows his wife. And he knows that to me 'Christmas music' is NOT Bing Crosby or Here comes Santa Claus, or even a tasteful O Holy Night. To me Christmas Music is Handel's Messiah. And I sing along. And so does each member of my family in their respective part. And my family will probably be around some (maybe most?) of my labor.
But you can't tell me we will be the first family to have a Do It Yourself Messiah in L&D.
Or maybe we will, but what the heck.
Distraction, relaxation, breathing... I tell you what, an oratorio has it all for me. Mind if I melisma through this next contraction?

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Longest Month

I have truly tried to stay away from my blog when I am feeling particularly emotional or mushy... which is pretty much all the time these days, given my current state. But I didn't figure you all needed post after post or prego-emoting.
But I looked at a calnedar today... and we have about a month left before our due date.
4 weeks. Or it could be sooner... or longer.
One month from today could very possibly be his birthday, or we might wait another 2 weeks to meet him. But about a month.
One month is so frustrating. It's such a short time-- while also seeming like an eternity.
A whole month.
Only a month.
How does one wait such a long time when it's flying by?
And with all the millions of things I should do each day to be ready... all I really want to do is sit at home and rest and watch my wiggling belly. Enjoy this as much as I can, and soak it in. Everyone thinks they are clever and original when they tell me everything is about to change-- I know that. I am excited and terrified. And anxious. And trying to soak it all in and not wish it away becuase this time-- while miserably uncomfortable-- is important too. But everything is already changing.
I want my baby boy! And I want to wait patiently for him too.
One month.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Four weeks from today will be my last day of work here.
After much consideration, debate, 'running numbers', discussion, and even some tears... Z and I made the decision that we think will be best for our family. When our little Boy (Due Dec 22-- but maybe sooner???) is born... I am going to be a full time stay at home mom.
About 2 weeks ago I informed my employer. Dec. 15th will be my last day. After that I will be unemployed and making a huge career shift to full-time Mommy-hood.
I have some trepidation over this for many reasons...
First, we will soon be a single income family. And while my husband makes a decent income, our take-home pay is strangled by nearly $700 in student loans we pay every month. Without a second income, our monthly dent in those student loans will greatly decrease, as we will need more of that money to live off of. Also our 'lifestyle' may have to be altered a bit as there will be less disposable income for frivolous spending and eating out as often as (particularly my husband) likes to. But it will be okay. I am certain we will find a way to make it work. What I know for sure is that we didn't want to put our child in full time day-care, and even if I were working part time, after paying for childcare and gas... we'd be barely breaking even with my salary. And that's just not worth it. So staying at home was the best-- really only option for us-- and the rest of the finances will be worked out as we go!
Second, there is so much unknown about this future 'career' for me. Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do? Will it come naturally to me... like everyone tells me? Will I like staying at home with my kid? Will I be dying to get away for a few hours? Will the pressures of all day every day childcare and household duties overwhelm me? Will I love it? Will it be a perfect fit? I don't know... I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but they run through my mind on autoplay loop as I anxiously await the arrival of that 'last day' and the arrival of our baby boy.
Also I wonder if I will feel guilt over not being able to contribute financially to our family. Or... If I will feel lost and without a sense of purpose. And I know those are shallow selfish concerns, but they are more questions that haunt me right now.
Don't get me wrong-- I said above that Z and I made this decision together, and we made the decision we thought would be best for our family. And I am excited. Truly. I feel lucky to be in the situation we are in allowing me to stay home with my kiddo. Also, because Z's schedule is so erratic, this will allow us the most time to spend together as a family, not bound to other work and daycare schedules. That is a blessing as well.
So I am actually surprised at my own feelings toward this change, because it's really what I have wanted all along for my family... but the new and unknown make me feel so uneasy about the future.
The first big step was made-- alerting my employer that I would not be returning to work after the birth of our kiddo. Now we wait for (and try not to obsess over), the next step the arrival of the baby that will change everything.
Everything... including my employment status. In 4 weeks. Or maybe sooner...

Oh, and I hate the abbreviation SAHM. Just in case you cared.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Guess what? In (possibly less than) two months we are going to be first time parents! Holy cow!
You may have noticed the blog has been a little more silent than usual recently... that's because it seems every waking second is consumed with preparation for this kiddo coming. Which is a good thing...
But would you believe we are still feeling a little overwhelmed???
I know, I know... We are like, the first parents ever to be terrified and/or overwhelmed by impending parenthood.
Anyway, to help ease our worries and trepidation, I have been readying myself with lots of reading and research on various baby and parenting topics... and I have enrolled us in about 10 different education courses offered by a local hospital.
Okay, not 10.
But whatever.
(Yes, I enrolled us in a class called: Baby 101)
I know veteran parents are shaking heads in amusement at my frantic preparation, but I know shockingly little about children and childcare and what the crap I am actually supposed to DO with the kid when I bring him home. While I know the classes I signed us up for won't be all-encompassing, I am hoping they can at least give us a base of reference... and from there we are sane, logical people who can mostly figure it out, right? Here's hoping that assumption is true.
So in the next couple months, if we seem a little extra busy and unavailable for social interaction-- please don't take it personally. Know that we are filling our little heads with lots of baby knowledge so that hopefully in 2-ish months when Baby P gets here we don't screw him up too much. (Fingers crossed!)