Friday, March 6, 2009

What's safe?

If you know me at all-- you are probably aware of the fact that I am a dreamer. I'm not talking about plans and aspirations for my future kind of dreamer... but like I have dreams-- often several-- every time I fall asleep. They are often very vivid and I generally can recall them with startling accuracy once I am awake. I hear this is fairly uncommon. Anyway...
Recently I have been waking up from vivid dreams of some of my more tumultuous past relationships. (Isn't that a nice way of putting it?) I have, over the past year-year and a half cut ties with several unhealthy, abusive, and manipulative relationships... (and I can't remember a better time in my life than right now!) But for whatever reason, when I have dreams about these situations from my past-- they are always 'good' dreams. I wake up and I feel confused and even a little guilty because it wasn't a bad dream. I felt happy and safe despite the hurtful things I know happened to me or around me in the dream.
On the other hand, I am currently in a wonderful relationship with a super cool guy (not perfect, mind you, but still really good) and I feel like relationships with parents, family and friends are better than ever. HOWEVER, whenever I have dreams about these relationships-- they tend to be 'bad' dreams. Someone is hurting me or being hurt by me... never the good wonderful happy dreams one might imagine I would be having at a fairly emotionally healthy point in my existence.
So here is what I want to know:
WHY do I perceive the hurtful, unhealthy, damaging relationships from my past to be good and safe-- while the positive, healthy, loving relationships I am in now I perceive as risky, challenging, and uncertain??? Or maybe I just answered my own question.
I guess it's easy to be a victim, and to let a damaged relationship continue to unravel-- there is no effort, and therefore, no risk. So it feels good, and safe-- even though it is very much the opposite. Which means the opposite is true: loving, healthy relationships require effort, change, and the risk that you will be hurt. Even still, the second category is a much 'safer' place to be, regardless of the risk involved. Right?
The problem for me is logic understands what my emotional is still trying to figure out... and I am just having a heck of a time working through this. I am going to be honest-- it is so tempting to run from Love, becuase it just doesn't feel 'safe'. Will it ever? Will I ever loose that urge to run as far and fast as I can in the opposite direction???

1 comment:

thepianist86 said...

my face has healed. =) and i finally shaved so i could assess the damage. it was already almost healed.