Tuesday, March 30, 2010


My living situation is complicated right now. I guess i live with my parents, and although this is the house I grew up in, it is no longer that same house to me, nor does it feel like my 'home'. It feels like... I'm inconvenient here. And my parents have been very careful to be nothing but gracious when I am around, but I sense the tension. And then there is the whole belongings search... every other week or so I come 'home' to the bedroom I reside in there to find all my belongings sorted through, rearranged, and neatly stacked in piles. It's under the guise of my mother's never ending pursuit of tidiness, but I know as well as she does that if my clutter really bothered her she could just stop opening the door to look at it. The other day she commented on a paper she found in my trash can when she was going through it. I don't really know what she is searching for, she probably doesn't either... I assume she must believe it to be something terribly incriminating otherwise I can't imagine why she would snoop with such open fervor.
The house I was living in and will live in after I am married is not really my home either at this point... well it was, but then someone else took it over, and while that is where 98% of my belongings are at this point, someone else lives there full time... and he's kinda messy. I don't mind helping clean up, but the man creates more trash than the average family of 10, and it would be a full time job just following him around picking up the candy wrappers he secretes. So that place is kinda messy and uninviting, and even if it weren't, I can't really allow myself to get comfortable over there, because then I get sleepy, but still have to wake and drag my pathetic self across town back to my parents house to sleep.
And, yes, people. I know, this is only temporary. And I should be thankful that I have such gracious parents, and a great living situation worked out-- and I am. I really really am. But right now... I have no place thats home. MY home. I have no place that is my space and mine only, where I truly relax or feel totally comfortable or feel like I could or do belong. And it's a little difficult. And I know it's only for two more months or whatever... but right now all I want is a place to be, which makes the next two months seem like the longest I will ever endure.

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