Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Best Kept Secret

There are two questions people ask when they find out you are pregnant.
The first is: When are you due?
The second is: Are you finding out?

As in... finding out the gender before the baby is born?
Up until recently my answer was, Oh absolutely, yes.
My reasoning being I am a control freak. It takes time for me to wrap my brain around changes of plans, I want time to prepare for boy or girl. I want a pink nursery or a blue nursery... not a huge fan of ducks (sidenote: why are ducks internationally recognized as THE gender nuetral decor for clothes, nurseries, or any other junk you want to look baby-ish. Whats up with ducks? Not that I have anything against ducks... but there are only so many 'duck' things a kid can have, you know?). I just thought it would be better and easier for everyone to find out as soon as possible.
Also there is that other argument-- it's still a surprise if you find out 5 months pregnant, or if you find out in the delivery room, you are just choosing when you want the surprise. Z definitely wants it now. The sooner the better. He is counting the days until that sonogram when we will find out... and I was too.
But as I get closer to the day of that sonogram... I am starting to panic a little. I don't know why I am panicking. It just all of a sudden seems like such a huge deal. Trust me, I want to know. I am DYING to know. I am dying to know all kinds of things about my baby.
Just the other day I was laying in my bed yelling at the bump on my belly like I expected it to respond. "Who are you!?" I want to know so bad who this little person is. What do you look like? What is your name? Will you be laid back like your daddy, or compulsive like your mama? Will you have red hair? How long will we wait for you? What will your birthday be like? What will you feel like when I hold you in my arms?  Who will you be???
I was laying there with all these, and so many more questions in my mind. But for all the questions in my head, not a single one of them was 'are you a boy or a girl?' And I just kinda think... maybe It's just not that important right now. Maybe I am more comfortable not knowing... since there are so many other unknowns right now.
Or maybe I am afraid. I mean, Z wants a boy so bad-- so does Grandpa. The Grandmas are both dying for a little girl. I have kinda felt all along like Baby P would be a boy, so I have been getting all excited about 'boy things' but if baby P is a girl, am I going to be disappointed? Is Z going to be disappointed and my dad, who wants a grandson so bad? What if Baby P is a boy and the grandmas are disappointed? I just can't handle that right now. And I know, I KNOW everyone says that they will be happy no matter what-- they have to say that-- but i just can't fathom the thought of ANYONE-- including myself-- being disappointed with Baby P right now. Becuase My little Baby P is perfect. And right now, Baby P is fulfilling everyone's expectations, and not because of a penis or a vag, but because this perfect little person is changing and will forever change all our lives. I just have this instinct to protect that as long as I possibly can.
IF we wait to find out on Baby P's birthday I truly believe that we will all be so enamored and excited and overjoyed that there won't be room for disappointment that day.
I don't know... what do you think? What did you/would you do? Am I crazy for feeling like I do?


April said...

I think I know what you mean- not being able to stand the thought of being disappointed. No one wants to be disappointed with their own child. And I don't think you really would be, but I understand your hesitancy just the same. I don't know what I would do, but you should probably decide before you go in so you don't feel pressured in the room. Whatever your decision, it'll be the right one.

Donnie Miller said...

Yes, you're crazy :)

I loved that section in which you were listing all of those things you're excited to learn about your child. I think that's such a wonderful thing about being a parent, learning all of those things and all of the first-time experiences that answer the "what will it be like" questions.
Enjoy it all!
I'm excited to meet Baby P, too.

Katt said...

Being a bit of a control freak myself, I totally understand the feeling of wanting to know so you can paint the nursery and buy the right colored clothes. At the same time, I also understand feeling like you should wait to find out. I don't have any experience in child birth or mothering, so I don't have much of an opinion to give you, but I do know that I love sharing this journey with you via your blog, and even though I will never meet your Baby P, I am excited to read all about your adventures with him or her. I'm sure you know this already, but no matter what organs your baby is born with, everyone will love that child as much as they can, and absolutely no one will be disappointed. (I would wait. The great thing about surprises is the anxiety you get before finding out.)

Valerie said...

April - Z and I are in the process of fighting it out. We'll decide something before the 29th.

Donnie - The only reason you feel comfortable calling the angry pregnant woman crazy is becuase you know you are several hundred miles away. You will return eventually and i know where you live.

Katt - Surpirses are my most favorite thing in the world. Often, the anticipation of a surprise is better than the surprise itself! Although I doubt that would be the case in this situation... so how could I lose?