Thursday, November 17, 2011


Four weeks from today will be my last day of work here.
After much consideration, debate, 'running numbers', discussion, and even some tears... Z and I made the decision that we think will be best for our family. When our little Boy (Due Dec 22-- but maybe sooner???) is born... I am going to be a full time stay at home mom.
About 2 weeks ago I informed my employer. Dec. 15th will be my last day. After that I will be unemployed and making a huge career shift to full-time Mommy-hood.
I have some trepidation over this for many reasons...
First, we will soon be a single income family. And while my husband makes a decent income, our take-home pay is strangled by nearly $700 in student loans we pay every month. Without a second income, our monthly dent in those student loans will greatly decrease, as we will need more of that money to live off of. Also our 'lifestyle' may have to be altered a bit as there will be less disposable income for frivolous spending and eating out as often as (particularly my husband) likes to. But it will be okay. I am certain we will find a way to make it work. What I know for sure is that we didn't want to put our child in full time day-care, and even if I were working part time, after paying for childcare and gas... we'd be barely breaking even with my salary. And that's just not worth it. So staying at home was the best-- really only option for us-- and the rest of the finances will be worked out as we go!
Second, there is so much unknown about this future 'career' for me. Will I be a good mom? Will I know what to do? Will it come naturally to me... like everyone tells me? Will I like staying at home with my kid? Will I be dying to get away for a few hours? Will the pressures of all day every day childcare and household duties overwhelm me? Will I love it? Will it be a perfect fit? I don't know... I don't know the answers to any of those questions, but they run through my mind on autoplay loop as I anxiously await the arrival of that 'last day' and the arrival of our baby boy.
Also I wonder if I will feel guilt over not being able to contribute financially to our family. Or... If I will feel lost and without a sense of purpose. And I know those are shallow selfish concerns, but they are more questions that haunt me right now.
Don't get me wrong-- I said above that Z and I made this decision together, and we made the decision we thought would be best for our family. And I am excited. Truly. I feel lucky to be in the situation we are in allowing me to stay home with my kiddo. Also, because Z's schedule is so erratic, this will allow us the most time to spend together as a family, not bound to other work and daycare schedules. That is a blessing as well.
So I am actually surprised at my own feelings toward this change, because it's really what I have wanted all along for my family... but the new and unknown make me feel so uneasy about the future.
The first big step was made-- alerting my employer that I would not be returning to work after the birth of our kiddo. Now we wait for (and try not to obsess over), the next step the arrival of the baby that will change everything.
Everything... including my employment status. In 4 weeks. Or maybe sooner...

Oh, and I hate the abbreviation SAHM. Just in case you cared.

1 comment:

April said...

Being suprised at your own feelings may be a flag that they're not. The enemy likes to speak doubt and uncertainty to us and then convince us/ let us believe that they are our own thoughts and feelings. This can sometimes lead to feeling guilty or condemned over them. We are a new creation in Christ. Doubt and uncertainty are not of Him, nor who we really are in Him. Our minds are a true battle ground in the spiritual realm- battling not against flesh and blood, and taking every thought captive.
I say all that to encourage you that God knows you can do this, that you will enjoy it (though you may have moments where you don't) and that He will take care of your family (which it sounds like you already know). God would not ask you those questions, and based on your stated excitement and realization that this is awesome for your family, I don't think you're really asking those questions either. I suppose I could be wrong, but I think they sound like someone trying to discourage you and take joy out of something that will be great for you and your family. And that's not God, nor yourself.
You're wonderful and amazing and with Christ you really can do all things. I love you!